The Drama Triangle is a powerful piece of theory I often think about with clients during counselling sessions. It was devised by psychotherapist Stephen Karpman in the 1960s.  

Each corner of the triangle represents a role we can sometimes fall into: Persecutor, Victim and Rescuer. They are written with capital letters because they are very different to the terms when used in more day-to-day language. The important thing to remember here is that these roles are all rooted in the past, either by messages we received early on in life, a trauma, or we copied the behaviour from key people around us as we were growing up. They are unhelpful and tend to hold us back in our relationships and everyday lives.

Let’s look at the Persecutor first. A Persecutor will often bully and belittle, or perhaps have a tendency to “lash out” at others. In extreme cases a Persecutor will physically and emotionally harm others, for example in cases of domestic abuse. In less extreme cases a Persecutor might say hurtful things in an argument that they later regret. A Persecutor’s view is that other people are not OK.

When we talk about a Rescuer in the context of the Drama Triangle, we are not talking about someone rescuing a cat from a tree, or giving first aid in an emergency. The Rescuer has a tendency to “rescue” or “help” others even when it is not wanted or needed. In this way the Rescuer, like the Persecutor, also takes the view that other people are not OK, but in this case it’s because they believe others are not capable of managing without them. I also think that Rescuer behaviour can come about because an individual has low self-worth, and perhaps only feels some worth if they are doing something for someone else. It has more to do with the individual’s desire to feel needed, rather than there being an actual issue that requires their help.

I often hear clients talk about a person in their lives who they feel is interfering or intrusive, and this is an example of when I might discuss the Drama Triangle with them. This can help understand the behaviour, and perhaps where they fit in to what’s happening with this other person, and allow us to work on how to set boundaries and feel less intruded upon.

Let’s look at the Victim role. The Victim is the one on the receiving end of the Persecutor or the Rescuer, because they have a belief that they themselves are not OK. They accept the Rescuer’s behaviour because they believe they can’t cope on their own, or they stay with the Persecutor and be bullied or belittled, because they feel they don’t deserve any better.

In this way the three positions of the Drama Triangle are linked and also interchangeable. We can move from one position to another. For example, a Persecutor, after shouting or lashing out, may grovel and beg forgiveness. They might plead for the other person not to leave them as they can’t live without them. They have switched to the Victim position. The original Victim, faced with the grovelling, may now switch to Rescuer. This is a dangerous pattern that is one of the reasons why it can be so difficult for people to leave domestic abuse situations. Another example of a switch of positions could be a Rescuer, after their attempts to Rescue have been rejected, may switch to the Persecutor position and lash out and shout, or to the Victim position and sulk and feel worthless.

Some of these examples are extreme, but I think most of us can identify with at least one of the roles, even to a much lesser degree. Perhaps we see these patterns playing out in people we know.

When we think, feel and behave in ways we sometimes don’t understand, the Drama Triangle can be a helpful tool to think about. But a word of caution, as always: these roles are likely to be deeply ingrained and rooted in the past. So if this is something you want to look at in more detail, and you think it could be complex or painful, consider getting some support via a counsellor.

Photo credit: Scott Kirwan via Unsplash

A journalist asked me recently to comment on the subject of stress and burnout among frontline NHS workers during the pandemic. It got me thinking about burnout more generally.

Burnout is a state of emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion caused by excessive and prolonged stress. In these uncertain and unsettling times, I’ve seen a huge amount of this in clients I work with. And while key workers have been hit particularly badly, people from just about every other profession have often also suffered.

From what I’ve seen, the pandemic has created a kind of perfect storm for burnout. People are trying to handle an increased workload from their jobs or because they are home-schooling, while also facing great uncertainty and fear of the virus. They are also missing their usual coping strategies and support networks as they are forced inside by lockdowns.

The situation has gone on for more than 12 months and the equation is stark:

Stress + Uncertainty – Support x Time = Burnout

When people first come to me for counselling, they report feeling drained and tired. They say their sleep is poor, they are irritable, or lack motivation. Some are having panic attacks and find everything overwhelming. Often there is also a sense of guilt that they feel this way, and that if they stop to rest they are letting people down, so they “plough on”.

What can we do about it? Here are three things I often talk about with clients.

If you feel burnt out and stressed, something has to give.

Ask yourself what could you say no to or delegate to make a little space for yourself? Could you ask someone to help out with the housework or food shopping? Could you occasionally say no to that person who is demanding a lot of your time? Often this inability to say no for fear of letting people down is quite an ingrained trait that is rooted in the past. It can be helpful to talk through why we feel compelled to put everyone else first, to the detriment of our own health.

Could you build in a little me-time into your day?

What about a bath in the evenings or a run at the weekend? What things have made you feel good and helped you relax in the past, things that you haven’t had the time to do lately? Usually people have plenty of coping strategies already, they just need to make space for them. Often with my clients we work on how to create that space and to not feel guilty about it.

Take your own advice.

My guess is that if a friend came to you saying they were stressed and burnt out, your advice to them would be to get some rest, or to get some support. I doubt very much that you would tell them to just carry on and to stop being so self-indulgent. We need to take a kinder approach with ourselves.

If you feel like you may be on the road to burnout, you are certainly not alone. Lots of workplaces offer free counselling through their occupational health or employee assistance programmes. Ask your manager or HR department about what support is available. A lot of clients I work with come to me in this way, and often six sessions is enough to relieve some of that stress and learn some new ways of avoiding burnout in future.

For more information on burnout and stress there is some helpful information on helpguide.org

Photo credit: S&B Vonlanthen via Unsplash